alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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