So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
