Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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