The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
