You're so nebulous sometimes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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