So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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