Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
