I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
