it was like eating out sand paper
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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