Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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