good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
