May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
