I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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