just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
