I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
