i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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