And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
