oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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