New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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