You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
