It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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