I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
