That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
