We got so high we made milksteak
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
