whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
