I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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