I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
