this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
