Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
