My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
