i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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