So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
