Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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