sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The beer is more important than you right now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
