a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
