I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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