Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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