i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
