He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
