Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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