Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
