Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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