Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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