New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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