the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
did i just pee glitter
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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