I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
