my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
