I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
