Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
