just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
