Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
