his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
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I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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