I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
